September 15, 2019
THE JOY OF DEPRESSION involves …
… living in the Presence of Grace while not necessarily knowing you are being Blessed …
The joy of depression involves …
… falling down. falling down hard. falling down hard and hurting yourself …
The joy of depression involves …
… experiencing light as a form of darkness …
The joy of depression involves …
… a silent descent into places your body seems to know well yet does not recognize. The language it lives in is strangely familiar but maddeningly disorienting—crazy one could say …
The joy of depression involves …
… clutching at broken branches on the family tree …
The joy of depression involves …
… mental gymnastics that intellectualize love …
The joy of depression involves …
… prayers offered up in silence to no god in particular …
The joy of depression involves …
… feelings that lie prairie-field flat—the pale sun a heavy stone with no intention of scratching even the surface of the thin line that stretches out to the horizon …
The joy of depression involves …
… music with no notes—a dull thrum maybe …
* * *
You may recognize yourself here in The Waiting Place.
Waiting without knowing
you are waiting.
Asking no questions. Expecting no answers. Trying to remember
how to spell Hope …
You can read all about
yourself in books too heavy to lift from shelves
too high to reach. The words come
in 5-point font and form run-on sentences
that despise punctuation and mean less
and less and less.
On your hands and knees now. Your body bent in the shape
of a broken question mark torn and twisted.
And then the last page turns
out to be a prayer written on the body
in invisible ink: blood and breath
and bone.
The dark tunnel is actually made of light.
Turning you see yourself seeing yourself
seeing. How beautiful it is to let go.
A surrender that has nothing
to do with white flags.
So this is Love: letting go and lifting off.
And this is why clichés ring true:
It’s a Divine Madness: crazy
some might say.
Poetry finds you here. Smacks you right
in the heart. More clichés follow:
Time Stands Still. Slows. You can see
Everything. Weightless and grounded.
Gratitude beyond measure fills the space.
Original Blessing. God and Buddha.
Jesus and Muhammad. Jack and Jill.
There’s room for Everyone
here. Everyone
smiling. Laughter, too. The question
‘Why’ no longer in the lexicon.
Go now. Right now. And tell Everyone:
how much you love
them. Tell them how
much you love love.
Here. Now. In this
Moment. The moment that is
all moments. Tell them you know
that they know that you know:
Love is All. Love is
Everything.
* * *
And so marks my re-turn to the blog on my website. As the poem you have now read indicates, my absence—a two-year hiatus—was in large part due to a trip into The Unknown. We have various euphemisms for talking about our mental health—our struggles, our demons, the darkness.
What do we call this trip? This descent? To use pathological-speak: perhaps I had a psychotic break. A mental breakdown of sorts. A trip into the dark(er) woods that sometimes threaten to swallow us up. The path got smaller and smaller and soon disappeared. Just a tangle of underbrush.
Brené Brown, author, researcher, Ted Talk guru, in her book, Rising Strong, says,
I’ve come to believe that we all want to show up and be seen in our lives. This means we will all struggle and fall; we will know what it means to be both brave and brokenhearted.
Brené goes on to say that being brave and allowing ourselves to be broken requires us to be vulnerable in the world. And further,
… this vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
My own story is not all that important in the overall scheme of things. I fell down. I couldn’t get up. I stayed down for quite a while. But all this while, I was being held by friends and family—by loved ones. I surrendered and let myself fall only to find that I was held in love. I was able to get up again. And walk in the world with love and gratitude that defies both measurement and description.
And now I find myself born again— without the religious connotations. I am blessed. I am turning to the Light. Reveling in renewal. Love keeps calling my name. I am doing my best to answer the call.
I’m making music again. Writing songs and poems. Loving love. And I’m excited and grateful to be on the path once again. I have a new recording underway. It’s a solo album, a collection of songs that celebrate the light and the dark, love and letting go. Songs that celebrate family and friends.
The new record is called Polishing Stone. I’ll be telling you more about it in the next blog. For now, I wish you all well and send you my love until it’s time to share the next unfolding.
With love
Gary
I am so, so glad that you are making music, writing poetry, finding your way along the path, and loving and learning everyday, Gary. The world is a better place because of you. Xx
Dearest (I don’t really want to be a) Professor Hughes
You are a kind soul. And my friend:
what a combo …
xo
Welcome back Gary.
Thank you very kindly Rodney. Very nice to hear from you
I see you and hear you. Welcome into the light. It’s all love along the path. And it is indeed filled with darkness too. The planet is so wonderful and beautiful. I hope you get out in nature to see it’s beauty often.
Thank you for your kind and beautiful words Fiona …